yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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