you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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