your thong is hanging out like whoa
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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