seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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