Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
