My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize