connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I think I just sharted jello shots
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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