She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
