Four minutes until I can fart!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
