Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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