"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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