Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
