I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you had me at cake vodka
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
