So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize