So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize