what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
