3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
