just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
