My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize