i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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