its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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