I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
