**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
