I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
