his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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