apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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