really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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