The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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