So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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