That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
