I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
