I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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