The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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