Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
