I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
someone owes me an orgasm
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
