your parents love me but you hate me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
