I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just gift wrapped bread.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
