I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
