Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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