fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
