a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
