So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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