If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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