Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.

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(705): View more from Ontario

i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole

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(216): View more from Ohio

It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.

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(+39): View more from

my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now

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(914): View more from New York

At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.

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(517): View more from Michigan

It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.

(517): View more from Michigan

You need to get out of the house more

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