I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
