her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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