That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
