dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
