I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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