just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
