yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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