The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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