Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
