I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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